tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-572501055417212442011-07-08T21:08:19.213+10:00My journey through the sadness of losing our first grandson at 7 weeks of age to Neonatal Hemachromotosis. Discussions and questions to God about WHY!!A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.comBlogger221100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-15111878415111674412009-11-04T14:03:00.000+10:002009-11-04T14:03:19.782+10:00

IN THIS FOG Sunk in this gray depression I cannot pray. How can I give expression with no words to say? This mass of vague foreboding of aching care, love with its overloading short-circuits prayer. Then is this fog of tiredness this nothingness, I find a quiet, certain, knowing that He is kind. ruth bell graham I started to read a book I have had for years now, "Clouds are the Dust of His

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-24243702466101086142009-09-22T14:29:00.000+10:002009-09-22T14:29:43.645+10:00

We went to church on Sunday, I felt really uncomfortable going and was nearly going to keep on driving but pulled into the carpark anyway.  I should have kept going.  All was ok until low and behold they are doing baptisms today.  The first baby was ok she was older about I don't know maybe 1 or so.  Then the next little one came out.  she had a head full of black hair, just like Lucas and she

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-58710777011176128962009-09-05T21:49:00.000+10:002009-09-05T21:49:02.874+10:00

Tomorrow is Father's Day in Australia and it will suck.  Both Adrian and I have lost our fathers and poor Paul will face his first fathers day without Lucas.  WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still no answers and still no comfort in any of this.  Yes the tears come less frequently but hey when you fast for three days by the third day your stomach stops rumbling, doesn't mean your not

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-43794063554882758452009-09-03T08:31:00.000+10:002009-09-03T08:31:06.988+10:00

This morning we had sad news.  A friend has passed away this morning after a long battle with cancer.  He leaves behind a wife and 7 children.  How can this be good for anyone.  He believed until the very end that he would be healed.  He prayed and talked to God all the time.  He stood in our church and the entire congregation prayed for him.  He believed he would be healed and once again it

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-59223135461626935952009-08-21T09:59:00.006+10:002009-08-21T10:23:35.550+10:00

What a little beauty he is. So tiny and so precious. I never thought that someone here for such a short time could steal my heart forever, but he has. Look at the size of his daddy's hand next to him, isn't that amazing? It's been 8 weeks since he left to go and play in heaven and there hasn't been a day I haven't selfishly wished him back to us. Cruel maybe, but what can I say, I want him to be

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-74451826535571860182009-08-15T16:59:00.002+10:002009-08-15T17:11:26.757+10:00

Alicia and Paul came for dinner last night, it was nice. No episode from Brothers & Sisters this time. Family joke I guess. With all our personalities in one room, we often end up with a night like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. Funny!!! But it's different now, it's like we shouldn't be too happy yet. We're not, happy as such, I think e are healing a little bit at a time, but I see a

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-84141476959247639552009-08-14T09:43:00.000+10:002009-08-14T09:44:08.220+10:00

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-58298132714978963582009-08-12T10:01:00.004+10:002009-08-12T10:21:56.598+10:00

I actually feel a lot better today, hope it lasts for more than a day, now that's pessamistic isn't it!! So I think it is because Paul & Alicia have come over a hump and now they can begin to make some real plans for the future. Of course the loss will remain for much longer, probably never go away not really, but there is hope and like I said yesterday hope makes us hope. The bible says "a heart

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-21649670677094868142009-08-11T14:14:00.003+10:002009-08-11T14:23:27.440+10:00

Alicia and Paul went to Brisbane yesterday to talk with the doctors. They have said Lucas did have NH and that their best and only really hope of having another baby is to have the transfusions. Immunoglobulin (I think that's how you spell it), from about 14 weeks I think. The success rate has been very good and about 50 women worldwide have had it done and all but 2 babies have survived.

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-85997221304486784532009-08-10T09:31:00.005+10:002009-08-11T14:25:37.722+10:00

I don't know why some days are harder than others??? Today is the day before the 7 weeks since Lucas passed away, why is this day harder than yesterday? Who knows, and when does it stop being harder. When will it feel better a little better day by day, will it ever? Alicia and Paul are driving to Brisbane today to talk with the doctors that worked with Lucas. They have got the results of the

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-86767708190360345102009-07-29T14:28:00.001+10:002009-07-29T14:47:31.703+10:00

I think I want to start a new blog. One that lets me be creative, artistic, different. I feel like I have to somehow express who I am and what I want to be in the future. The picture I have posted here looks just how I feel right now. Like I am on a path going somewhere. A beautiful place, peaceful, generous, calming, quiet, new. I want to go there to find who I am, what I beleive, what I

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-41293172578033986532009-07-24T12:33:00.000+10:002009-07-24T12:48:10.504+10:00

When I think of Lucas, I just long for him to be here. I want to hold him, I want to smell his baby smell. I want to change his nappy and hear him gurgle and giggle, to see him suck his thumb and wrinkle up his nose. These are some of the things that make me so sad, to think I will never get to see them, to experience them. How does a person work through this and come out feeling like there

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-16144024370512899232009-07-18T08:48:00.000+10:002009-07-23T09:12:32.092+10:00

I was laying in bed this morning and I started to remember the night Lucas passed away. We arrived at the hospital and when we walked into the hospital room Alicia was reading to Lucas from the children's bible I had bought him. How ironic to be reading from the bible to him. This is terrible everything I think about God is not good. My thoughts are just painful and I just get angry and

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-76748121154047411162009-07-17T10:28:00.000+10:002009-07-18T09:01:51.705+10:00

Sometimes I think I rush things. I'm not someone who is a sad person, I usually find the good in something, or I just walk away from the bad. But this is different. I can't find good in any of this and I can't walk away from it either. Walk to where? I don't like being miserable day after day and I don't like not having an anchor point anymore. I used to be able to describe myself fairly easily,

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-81565240240792241432009-07-05T11:57:00.000+10:002009-07-05T12:18:41.806+10:00

The days go on one after another and some are a little easier than others and some are like the first day all over again. I thought yesterday about what I am feeling about God in all of this and I think I have an answer as to why it's so hard. You see if I begin to feel like I want to go back to having a relationship with God again, well I have to accept what He let happen. How can I do that? How

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-8543384534949166632009-07-03T09:12:00.000+10:002009-07-03T09:47:53.942+10:00

So the first week has come and gone. Ashleigh, Danielle and I spent most of the day Wednesday at Alicia's. When we arrived the house looked like a disaster area. Paperwork all over the loungeroom floor, clothes in laundry baskets and suitcases in evey room. What on earth were they doing. Well Paul had decided that they needed to do a Spring clean, it's winter here by the way. So he was re

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-54131919328881127902009-06-30T21:10:00.000+10:002009-07-03T09:55:48.099+10:00

A friend spoke to me today, she told me about the story of Samson, when he killed a young lion by tearing its jaws apart. He continued on his way and later came back to eat honey from the carcass. She related it to what we are going through right now. How out of nowhere comes something to destroy us and if we kill it, get through it, survive it then at some time in the future we can go back to it

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-16878511944676464642009-06-30T16:14:00.000+10:002009-07-03T09:55:14.131+10:00

So today is exactly a week since little Lucas passed away. A week it seems so much longer. Today I got up and I wasn't so miserable I could hardly get out of bed. Today for some unknown reason, it is a little easier to breathe. I guess because Alicia and Paul are still going ok, the fear is subsiding a little. The fear that it will be too much for them to bear. Somehow today the air is a little

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-4202345621629556802009-06-29T12:51:00.000+10:002009-07-03T09:54:32.144+10:00

This time last week we were on our way to Brisbane, having heard from Alicia that Lucas was off the transplant list. I can hardly believe it was just a week. The days run together. In the last week our, my life has been turned upside down. On Thursday 25th June we had the funeral for Lucas. It ws at the Chapel at Preston, that Paul's parents own. Alicia and Paul had done an amazing job organising

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-85721001872476645282009-06-24T03:03:00.000+10:002009-07-03T09:53:19.828+10:00

Our beautiful baby grandson Lucas Adrian Middleton went to be with Jesus on the morning of the 23rd June 2009 on the day he turned 7 weeks old. My heart broke into a million pieces and to be honest I just can't see how it will ever feel happy again. My eyes are so sore, red and scratchy. I have a headache that has hung around for 3 days now and sometimes I just can't breathe. A little bit of me,

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-31814762397196178932009-06-21T13:17:00.000+10:002009-07-03T09:52:18.810+10:00

Through all this time, I have felt abandoned. Abandoned by God, where are you, I ask over and over. I have taken scripture and spoken it, prayed it begged it and still no answer. I've messaged people to pray for Lucas and for us and they have, still no answer. Today we heard that a decision will be made this afternoon about whether or not Lucas will be able to have a transplant. It's Sunday 21st

A Box of Chocolateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06305220579732409554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57250105541721244.post-44310541111395013772009-06-20T15:02:00.000+10:002009-07-03T09:50:32.285+10:00

The 5th May 2009 Lucas Adrian Middleton 2.9kg is born, it's nearly 9pm and his battle has begun. Adrian & I were in Switzerland in the Lauterbrunnen Valley and Ashleigh and Danielle in Tuscanny at a cooking school, when we got the news that Lucas would probably need a liver transplant. We all cancelled the remaining days of our trips and flew home. Neonatal Hemochromatosis the words that sent us

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