Hope Shines Through

Alicia and Paul went to Brisbane yesterday to talk with the doctors. They have said Lucas did have NH and that their best and only really hope of having another baby is to have the transfusions. Immunoglobulin (I think that's how you spell it), from about 14 weeks I think. The success rate has been very good and about 50 women worldwide have had it done and all but 2 babies have survived. This give hope doesn't it, and it's funny how such a small thing, hope, can change a life. Alicia and Paul went to a church on Sunday, and they really liked it. It's COC the church attached to the school Alicia went to and the church where Paul got saved. They went on a funny day "Vision Sunday" not a real service day, but still they enjoyed it. Alicia said she still couldn't sing the songs, but she knows she wants to be in heaven with Lucas one day and to stay out of church isn't going to help her get there. So I feel such a sense of relief. I just realised that I couldn't go back until they went back. It would have felt like I had accepted God allowing Lucas to go and that would have been a betrayal to all of them. So now if Paul & Alicia are going to go I feel ok about going too. I'm not sure where just yet and I don't know how I will feel when I get there and everyone is saying how wonderful God is and how loving etc. but I can go and find out. I feel lighter and happier and a sense of everything will eventually be ok. I love my daughter so much and I love Paul too and I have been so broken hearted for them that I feel like I have died myself, in a little way. Now I hope the sun will shine again and we can move forward together.

Why Some Days

I don't know why some days are harder than others??? Today is the day before the 7 weeks since Lucas passed away, why is this day harder than yesterday? Who knows, and when does it stop being harder. When will it feel better a little better day by day, will it ever? Alicia and Paul are driving to Brisbane today to talk with the doctors that worked with Lucas. They have got the results of the biopsy's back and still no absolutely it was NH....that just ticks me off too!! So now they just have to continue to work on the assumption that it probably was. Well that's ok if it weren't for the fact that the percentage is so damn high if Lucas did have NH that the next baby will too. And I see Alicia hoping so desperately for another child. And the fear is almost palpable that this will happen again. So we don't seem to have gotten very far from 7 weeks ago, still waiting for something solid and waiting for the ache to ease and the tears to stop and the pain to go away and for God in all his power and love to come and tell us WHY!!!! So tough we just keep waiting. It sucks really I am still so ticked off with God where the heck are you in all of this. Hiding, sleeping, pretending we will be ok, yeah whatever it just sucks is all I can say and I have no idea how people can just get around saying God loves us he never leaves us nor forsakes us yeah right, well come stand in our shoes and tell me the same thing. I feel like I am in a void, I am back from our trip and now what. I was expecting to go for walks with Alicia and Lucas in the park, to help her with the shopping and the new baby, to go and visit and cuddle and coo and all the things Nannys do and I feel so at a loss. I feel so useless when I see Alicia well up with tears and try and just get through another day, another lonely day wondering why this happened. I am sick of crying and I just can't feel really happy anymore. I want a job, but I don't either, I want a hobby to consume me and I want Lucas.

Sometimes I am afraid I will never feel great again, is there always going to be this underlying sense of someone missing, this need and want to hold him again, I just don't know where to go now what to do, running doesn't really help much.