What a difference a day makes

I actually feel a lot better today, hope it lasts for more than a day, now that's pessamistic isn't it!! So I think it is because Paul & Alicia have come over a hump and now they can begin to make some real plans for the future. Of course the loss will remain for much longer, probably never go away not really, but there is hope and like I said yesterday hope makes us hope. The bible says "a heart without hope becomes sick" sooooooo true! I think it actually says "hope deferred makes us sick " for everyone who might want to correct me, but you get the gist of it ok! Hey so that means that some things in the bible are true...interesting thought. Ha Ha! For me it is just good for me to know they can try again, that they will try again and that there is a really good chance that they will have the beautiful baby they have wanted for so long. Alicia amazes me she is willing to go back to church, to have a relationship with God, no matter how fragile and how new it will be again. She said yesterday it will take time to trust Him again, I'm with her on that one. But she is willing to start somewhere.I hope they love them there, I hope they nurture them and hold them through this. Church can be the lonliest place ever. Mostly we go to meet our friends, we shouldn't I know but we do, we go to sing, talk, share, we're supposed to go to worship and honour God. But really we go most of us anyway for the friendship factor. And if you have been for a long time and not really connected with people then that's when we hop off to some other church and we hope we make a connection there. Sad but so true. And who can blame us we all need to connect, we need to have people to share life with, and if we have the same belief system it makes it easier. Not as interesting as connecting with people with totally different views on life, family, religion etc., but safe and easy. So now I have to decide where we really should be. I love our Pasotr but we have connected with so few people in the last year an a bit, it's really difficult to say I belong there. There are a couple of people who have really shone through this and surprisingly not people who we thought would be ones to stand with us, funny isn't it how some run and some stay. So now what is next it always seems to be the question where and what next.

Why Some Days

I don't know why some days are harder than others??? Today is the day before the 7 weeks since Lucas passed away, why is this day harder than yesterday? Who knows, and when does it stop being harder. When will it feel better a little better day by day, will it ever? Alicia and Paul are driving to Brisbane today to talk with the doctors that worked with Lucas. They have got the results of the biopsy's back and still no absolutely it was NH....that just ticks me off too!! So now they just have to continue to work on the assumption that it probably was. Well that's ok if it weren't for the fact that the percentage is so damn high if Lucas did have NH that the next baby will too. And I see Alicia hoping so desperately for another child. And the fear is almost palpable that this will happen again. So we don't seem to have gotten very far from 7 weeks ago, still waiting for something solid and waiting for the ache to ease and the tears to stop and the pain to go away and for God in all his power and love to come and tell us WHY!!!! So tough we just keep waiting. It sucks really I am still so ticked off with God where the heck are you in all of this. Hiding, sleeping, pretending we will be ok, yeah whatever it just sucks is all I can say and I have no idea how people can just get around saying God loves us he never leaves us nor forsakes us yeah right, well come stand in our shoes and tell me the same thing. I feel like I am in a void, I am back from our trip and now what. I was expecting to go for walks with Alicia and Lucas in the park, to help her with the shopping and the new baby, to go and visit and cuddle and coo and all the things Nannys do and I feel so at a loss. I feel so useless when I see Alicia well up with tears and try and just get through another day, another lonely day wondering why this happened. I am sick of crying and I just can't feel really happy anymore. I want a job, but I don't either, I want a hobby to consume me and I want Lucas.

Sometimes I am afraid I will never feel great again, is there always going to be this underlying sense of someone missing, this need and want to hold him again, I just don't know where to go now what to do, running doesn't really help much.