Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Is He kind?


Sunk in this gray
I cannot pray.
How can I give
with no words to say?
This mass of vague
of aching care,
love with its
short-circuits prayer.
Then is this fog
of tiredness
this nothingness, I find
a quiet, certain, knowing
that He is kind.
ruth bell graham

I started to read a book I have had for years now, "Clouds are the Dust of His Feet" by Ruth Bell Graham.  It has some really lovely poems in it and the one above kind of tells it how I feel right now.  Except for the part the very last line that says He is kind.  I still don't get that.  I still don't understand how I am supposed to just believe that Lucas dying was for some kind of good.  Right, maybe there was going to be a future so sad, bad, hard whatever that it was kinder for him to go when he did.  But how does that equate to a God who is so powerful that He can rasie the dead, yet He decided that He would let Lucas be born, be formed by Him in the womb with this terrible disease.  This poor little man never really had a chance, how does that describe a God who is kind, all powerful, loving arghhhh!!!!!  Really, really is he really????

At the same time I am over asking the questions, over wondering and arguing with God.  But I am amazed by how life changing this has been for me.  i don't think there is one thing about me that is the same as it was before June 23 this year.  My whole mind has had to readjust to a new way of believing.  A new way of relating to God, to walking each day throguh life.  There are people who have been my friends for years who I think simply do not know what to say or do anymore.  i don't talk about it with them much anymore, but I don't talk about all this wonderful isn't he great God stuff anymore either and I think that says volumes to them.  Like I've said before I believe He is and He was and He will be still, but I don't believe all the healing stuff anymore.  I don't pray anymore expecting to get an answer, so often I just don't pray.  Maybe that will change in time I don't know.