Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I lost it!

We went to church on Sunday, I felt really uncomfortable going and was nearly going to keep on driving but pulled into the carpark anyway.  I should have kept going.  All was ok until low and behold they are doing baptisms today.  The first baby was ok she was older about I don't know maybe 1 or so.  Then the next little one came out.  she had a head full of black hair, just like Lucas and she was tiny.  I would guess no more than maybe 8 or 10 weeks, if that.  She had on only a nappy and her face was so sweet.  She pulled little faces and her dad, who is a doctor dunked her right in the baptism bath.  Everyone laughed, I cried.  No actually I sobbed.  I was trying to be quiet, but I sobbed loud like a baby.  I looked at Adrian and he was crying too.  Tears silently running down his face.  We thought we were going pretty good.  It's been 13 weeks today since Lucas passed and I thought it was getting a little easier and then something like this happens.  I was so glad that Alicia and Paul weren't there.  Anyway some of the ladies came and spoke to me at the end.  I didn't really want to talk, but they care and I want to be kind. The picture above is of Adrian and I at the hospital with Lucas the night before he left to go to heaven.  I tried hard not to cry but really I didn't have a hope.  I can still feel the weight of him and feel the touch of his little hand.  Yesterday talking to Alicia I know that when she eventually falls pregnant again somuch of this pain will be eased.  We all feel like we are somewhere we shouldn't be, like we have left something behind and we are going somewhere with someone missing.  We are and having another baby won't make the pain of Lucas not being here any less, but we need the joy of some new life in us.  I miss you Lucas.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

It's Simple Really

Tomorrow is Father's Day in Australia and it will suck.  Both Adrian and I have lost our fathers and poor Paul will face his first fathers day without Lucas.  WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still no answers and still no comfort in any of this.  Yes the tears come less frequently but hey when you fast for three days by the third day your stomach stops rumbling, doesn't mean your not hungry.  No tears don't mean we're not sad.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


This morning we had sad news.  A friend has passed away this morning after a long battle with cancer.  He leaves behind a wife and 7 children.  How can this be good for anyone.  He believed until the very end that he would be healed.  He prayed and talked to God all the time.  He stood in our church and the entire congregation prayed for him.  He believed he would be healed and once again it didn't happen.  I don't think it does very often at all any more.  We hear about it happening in 3rd world countries, where there are no cameras, how convenient and we read about it in books that are sold world wide to supposedly build our faith.  Really well that isn't happening when all around me I see people who believe and have faith abandoned and die.  So not fair, so not what I expect and absolutely not what I read in the word.  "Lay hands on the sick and they shall be healed"  oops sorry about that folks, not today. My friends can't understand why I am so ticked off, are you kidding me?!  One said to me yesterday that maybe when my heart was not hard anymore I would get the answers I am looking for, REALLY you are joking aren't you???!!!! When my heart isn't hard anymore, well I don't want it this way, I don't even know where it is (my heart) at the moment, last time I saw it, it had been torn out, tossed on the ground, trampled on and hung out to dry.  Hey and I didn't do any of that sorry.....He did well he at least let the circumstance happen that caused it to be that way.  So when I say He isn't talking to me, it isn't that I'm not listening, it isn't that I don't want to hear from Him, it is just that He walked away 10 weeks ago and I don't know where he is.  Never leave me nor forsake me, yeah right, not likely.  So yes my heart does sound like it's hard, it's hurt, bruised, crushed, mangled, torn apart, BROKEN and now my friend expects me to just soften my heart HOW HOW HOW, tell me I'd like to know what I am supposed to do to make it better.  Where is this Prince of Peace, Comforter...????? HEY are you out there come talk to me, come comfort me, come bring peace casue I'm losing it here.
So my ranting is out, seriously, I just want to know what I need to do to understand this.  I'm sick of questioning, and I'm tired of getting no answers, so now mostly I just do nothing, I let it go and I wait for God to come and find me out here in the desert.  Where is my burning bush?  How will I find my way out from here?