Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Honey from Death

A friend spoke to me today, she told me about the story of Samson, when he killed a young lion by tearing its jaws apart. He continued on his way and later came back to eat honey from the carcass. She related it to what we are going through right now. How out of nowhere comes something to destroy us and if we kill it, get through it, survive it then at some time in the future we can go back to it, remember it,think about it, whatever and maybe there we will find honey. She said honey in the bible is like a food that strengthens, feeds, gives something sweet to us. It is the first thing that someone has said to me that makes me feel like sometime in the future I will think about this terrible time and out of it maybe I will be able to find something that is sweet. It might be bitter sweet, but somehow it will give hope, life, sweetness to someone. I hope this is true. I cannot imagine going through all this for nothing.
Baby Lucas, if I could change all this I would. I would do anything to have you back, I would do anything to change what is, to take away the pain, for us, for your parents, for your anuties. All the pain, confusion, loss, grief. I would do whatever it takes to change this. I miss you like I never thought was possible, I will love you forever think of you always, remember your smile, your eyes, your tiny cupid lips. I love you xxxxxxxxxxxx

7 Days Later

So today is exactly a week since little Lucas passed away. A week it seems so much longer. Today I got up and I wasn't so miserable I could hardly get out of bed. Today for some unknown reason, it is a little easier to breathe. I guess because Alicia and Paul are still going ok, the fear is subsiding a little. The fear that it will be too much for them to bear. Somehow today the air is a little fresher and the sky is blue again. My heart still aches, but it isn't so raw today. I found a really good blog site yesterday and after reading it, I felt that someone else knew a little of what I am feeling.
Journey Through Grief (Life After The Loss Of A Child) http://missingevan.blogspot.com/
How can we know ever what another person is going through until we haved walked where they have.
I want to be so angry at God becasue he has let me down. I want to but I am tired. And it's strange I feel a kind of drawing, a kind of pull to just get alone and wait. What would I be waiting for? I'm not sure actually, but I have an expectation in me that I willknow soon.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Breathe, just Breathe

This time last week we were on our way to Brisbane, having heard from Alicia that Lucas was off the transplant list. I can hardly believe it was just a week. The days run together. In the last week our, my life has been turned upside down. On Thursday 25th June we had the funeral for Lucas. It ws at the Chapel at Preston, that Paul's parents own. Alicia and Paul had done an amazing job organising the service. But watching Paul carry the little white coffin carrying Lucas, from the church was heart breaking. No dad should ever have to do that. NEVER!!!

And I am still waking in the morning after broken sleep with my heart aching and tears just come. Driving down the street, reading the paper, watching something so meaningless on the tele, everything right now just seems pointless. I find it hard to even smile most times. And now I feel like we have lost so many things. As a grandparent I had my own dreams and plans and ideas of the future with Lucas. I could see my husband with him going fishing, to the football, in the shed with the boys toys. For me in the garden, in the craft room, taking photos, of him and with him, cooking together, all sorts of things. With Alicia and Paul and watching them become the incredible parents I always knew they would be and will be. Being the holiday babysitters for them, complaining about it but loving it too. And then there is the loss of God in all this. Where is He, where has He been for the last 8 weeks. People have said they pray we feel His presence, His peace His love...... well we haven't and we can't and I don't know what to do to change that. I know the bible says that He will take out my heart of stone (which is what it feels like now) and He will put in a heart of flesh... Well do it. Because everyday I just feel colder inside, harder more cynical, more abandoned, more rejected. And I doubt more and more that He really does care. Alicia said it a few days before Lucas passed away, she said she still believes there is a God, but she doesn't believe He is what we have thought He was. He isn't caring, loving, kind, faithful. He does have favourites, he must have or why would some be healed and some left. I feel like I have been brainwashed into believing a lie. I have always thought of God as being like the most incredible parent. I've compared my own parenting decisions to His. And always he was kinder, more just and fair, more filled with compassion, until now. And don't tell me that He has saved Lucas from some terrible future that we can't possibly know about. What a crock, if that was the cas then why knit him together in the first place. Omnipotent I don't think so.
I've heard it all had someone say it all, my thoughts are get a reality check life is what it is and yes there is a God but don't go getting all blown out about how he will answer all your prayers, He probably won't.
And then I sit and cry because there was a time when I had hope that He would make me feel better. I used to pray for the peace to come and right now there just doesn't seem any point. I don't know how to change that. So if He wants me to find him again he will have to show me the way. Cause I am lost.

We were having lunch yesterday and a lady we know said to us, she'd asked her Pastor about healing once and he said. God does heal just not always the way we think he will. WHAT does that mean....healed is healed, here on earth walking around to tell about it. Healed is NOT healed in heaven when we are gone from here. That is dead as far as the ones left behind are concerned and lets face it it's those people who were praying for the healing not the angels in heaven. So I am so sick of the Christianease platitudes and cliches, and aI have said them myself. Reality is He doesn't always heal, he doesn't always do what his word says he will do, what else explains this.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I Just Can't Bear the Pain

Our beautiful baby grandson Lucas Adrian Middleton went to be with Jesus on the morning of the 23rd June 2009 on the day he turned 7 weeks old.
My heart broke into a million pieces and to be honest I just can't see how it will ever feel happy again. My eyes are so sore, red and scratchy. I have a headache that has hung around for 3 days now and sometimes I just can't breathe. A little bit of me, my dreams for the times I would spend with Lucas, the things we would see him grow up to do, died to.
People say a parent should never have to bury their own child, I want to add to that, that a parent should never have to watch their child lose a child. The pain is unbearable. I have scenes in my head now that I can't get out, tears, pain, sadness, disbelief, regret, doubt, fear, loss. Visions of my daughter and her wonderful husband crying on each others chests. Doubting that they did their best, apologising to each other for what I don't know. Holding on to their beautiful baby for the last time. My husband weeping like a child. My twins sobbing against the wall, unable to do anything to console their sister in her grief.
And still I ask the question of God.....Where were you in all of this? Why did you allow Lucas to come into the world for such a short time? Why did the cries of our hearts fall on deaf ears? What plans did you have for Lucas, that gave him a future and a hope? What good can come out of this? So many people have tried to comfort me saying that God will work some sort of miracle in all this, the one miracle we wanted never happened. They say we will feel Him comfort us. I can't feel anything but pain and loss and sadness. I want to say I am angry but that means I would have to be able to rise to that and I just can't. I feel like I am the guest of honour at my very own Pity Party and maybe I am. I just want something to help me walk today, to let me know that Alicia and Paul will make it through this. Not just scrape through but come out the other side well and happy. I am afraid for what will happen to Alicia. She closes off emotion, she turns inside and I can see her dying a little bit. I am so afraid for her. And now I don't even feel like I have God to ask for help. It would be a waste of my time and I can't take the rejection again. I am so scared for what will come now. And I miss my baby boy soooo much.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

In the Pain

Through all this time, I have felt abandoned. Abandoned by God, where are you, I ask over and over. I have taken scripture and spoken it, prayed it begged it and still no answer. I've messaged people to pray for Lucas and for us and they have, still no answer. Today we heard that a decision will be made this afternoon about whether or not Lucas will be able to have a transplant. It's Sunday 21st June and Lucas will be 7 weeks old on Tuesday. His kidney's started to play up on Tues or Wednesday last week. He started to pass blood in his urine and it has kept up till now. This morning they stopped giving Lucas the medicine that makes him pee. They are thinking that maybe that medicine is effecting his kidneys. If his kidneys don't get better he can't have the transplant because he won't be able to have the medicine he'll need to have after the transplant. What a long and drawn out saga. Why is this even happening when we are supposed to have a God that is a healer. A God that can do miracles. A loving Father who cares for us. Well I'm sorry but I just can't see the care or love in all this. I feel like we, all of us, have been over looked. How can you tell me differently. Don't quote scriptures to me when you can't tell me how this is a good plan for Lucas, that gives him a future and a hope. How, why??

Saturday, June 20, 2009

New Day, New Life

The 5th May 2009

Lucas Adrian Middleton 2.9kg is born, it's nearly 9pm and his battle has begun. Adrian & I were in Switzerland in the Lauterbrunnen Valley and Ashleigh and Danielle in Tuscanny at a cooking school, when we got the news that Lucas would probably need a liver transplant. We all cancelled the remaining days of our trips and flew home. Neonatal Hemochromatosis the words that sent us spinning. NH is very rare and the cure is a liver transplant. We started this journey totally believing that God would heal Lucas. Adrian had opened a bible in our room in Switzerland and he randomly opened in the Book Of Luke (Lucas) and the heading on the chapter was "The Boy was Healed" So we took that to a sign from God and we came home expecting to see that happen. The days dragged on and Lucas stayed pretty much the same. We kept praying and our friends prayed. We saw nothing...nothing like we expected to see. Lucas still needs a liver.