Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Still no answers and still no comfort in any of this. Yes the tears come less frequently but hey when you fast for three days by the third day your stomach stops rumbling, doesn't mean your not hungry. No tears don't mean we're not sad.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sometimes I am afraid I will never feel great again, is there always going to be this underlying sense of someone missing, this need and want to hold him again, I just don't know where to go now what to do, running doesn't really help much.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
to somehow express who I am and what I want to be in the future. The picture I have posted here looks just how I feel right now. Like I am on a path going somewhere. A beautiful place, peaceful, generous, calming, quiet, new. I want to go there to find who I am, what I beleive, what I will become. I have to change everything about myself. I have to find out what I really believe and is it what I think I have believed for so many years. I still cry most days. longing for Lucas. I don't know quite how I should feel, who does know? I wake up early in the morning, it's still dark and my mind races with thoughts. Should I pray, should I drink, should I believe and what shoud I believe. What have I believed for all these years. Firstly I do believe that Jesus is the son of God. I believe that He died for me and I believe in creation. I believe that there is a heaven and a hell. I believe that if we believe Jesus died for us we will go to heaven. I used to believe that every word in the Bible is true. That we only had to pray with faith as small as a mustard seed and we would see the things in the bible come to pass. Things like healing. Now I don't believe that any more and does it matter. Does it really matter if I believe those things or not? I don't think so. But somehow I have to decide who God is to me now. Is He the loving, faithful, truthful Father I have called Him before? Hmmm!!! Not so sure of that one any more.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
A friend has said it's the Holy Spirit that draws us to God and I have told him if he wants me again He has to come to me. I don't have the power or the ability or even the desire to chase the Lord again. Not today and I don't know when I will. I think there is a side to God I didn't think about before. In the old testament He is a God of wrath, He wiped out entire nations, overnight whole nations, women, children, entire families gone. Not fair surely and I realise He still does that or He still allows it to happen. He isn't just a God of blessing and mercy. He is a God we should fear, we should shake thinking of His power and we should not expect that He will just shower blessings on us. Sometimes we must be like specks of dust in His eyes, He wipes His fingers across his face and we disappear. I need to get used to that concept of him.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Baby Lucas, if I could change all this I would. I would do anything to have you back, I would do anything to change what is, to take away the pain, for us, for your parents, for your anuties. All the pain, confusion, loss, grief. I would do whatever it takes to change this. I miss you like I never thought was possible, I will love you forever think of you always, remember your smile, your eyes, your tiny cupid lips. I love you xxxxxxxxxxxx
Journey Through Grief (Life After The Loss Of A Child) http://missingevan.blogspot.com/
How can we know ever what another person is going through until we haved walked where they have.
I want to be so angry at God becasue he has let me down. I want to but I am tired. And it's strange I feel a kind of drawing, a kind of pull to just get alone and wait. What would I be waiting for? I'm not sure actually, but I have an expectation in me that I willknow soon.