Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I lost it!



We went to church on Sunday, I felt really uncomfortable going and was nearly going to keep on driving but pulled into the carpark anyway.  I should have kept going.  All was ok until low and behold they are doing baptisms today.  The first baby was ok she was older about I don't know maybe 1 or so.  Then the next little one came out.  she had a head full of black hair, just like Lucas and she was tiny.  I would guess no more than maybe 8 or 10 weeks, if that.  She had on only a nappy and her face was so sweet.  She pulled little faces and her dad, who is a doctor dunked her right in the baptism bath.  Everyone laughed, I cried.  No actually I sobbed.  I was trying to be quiet, but I sobbed loud like a baby.  I looked at Adrian and he was crying too.  Tears silently running down his face.  We thought we were going pretty good.  It's been 13 weeks today since Lucas passed and I thought it was getting a little easier and then something like this happens.  I was so glad that Alicia and Paul weren't there.  Anyway some of the ladies came and spoke to me at the end.  I didn't really want to talk, but they care and I want to be kind. The picture above is of Adrian and I at the hospital with Lucas the night before he left to go to heaven.  I tried hard not to cry but really I didn't have a hope.  I can still feel the weight of him and feel the touch of his little hand.  Yesterday talking to Alicia I know that when she eventually falls pregnant again somuch of this pain will be eased.  We all feel like we are somewhere we shouldn't be, like we have left something behind and we are going somewhere with someone missing.  We are and having another baby won't make the pain of Lucas not being here any less, but we need the joy of some new life in us.  I miss you Lucas.

7 comments:

  1. But it's so brave of you to go to the baptism and hang in there for the whole thing. Be proud of yourself and your strength. ((hug))

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  2. hello ...your story touched me I am so sorry for your loss and your family's pain.
    Loss is so painful, it is something you feel to your core and then some.
    13 weeks is a very short time, be gentle on yourself...

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  3. Grief recovery takes time my dear friend. You are doing very well. Pain and grief will come and go like a rollercoaster. In time it will become easier, but there will never be a time when you won't miss Lucas and the part he would have played in you family. BUT, new joys will help. You are right. Personally, I feel it was a GOOD thing to go to church, see the baptism, and be able to grieve in God's house for your loss and have others comfort you. Be kind and gentle to yourselves. Just the story made me cry... love you. xo

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  4. I'm so sorry for their lose and yours. This is a pain that no one should have to feel.

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  5. Sweetheart, I am so sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking to read about your pain. My deepest sympathy. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Sandy

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  6. Stopped by from SITS to offer a warm welcome and I am so glad I did. You have a very touching blog. I hope you find strength through your own words and others comfort.

    I am very sorry for your loss.

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  7. With each passing day, the realization becomes a little less raw. The pain never goes away, but you will hold that precious little boy in your heart forever. I am so happy you went to church. I have had MANY episodes like that and that is okay. I know that your sensitive to God, but he understands your pain. Try and keep your heart open to that and just pray for God to help you deal with your pain. I still struggle with this! There are days when I just scream at God and ask him why?

    (((HUGS)))
    Daven

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