I lost it!

We went to church on Sunday, I felt really uncomfortable going and was nearly going to keep on driving but pulled into the carpark anyway.  I should have kept going.  All was ok until low and behold they are doing baptisms today.  The first baby was ok she was older about I don't know maybe 1 or so.  Then the next little one came out.  she had a head full of black hair, just like Lucas and she was tiny.  I would guess no more than maybe 8 or 10 weeks, if that.  She had on only a nappy and her face was so sweet.  She pulled little faces and her dad, who is a doctor dunked her right in the baptism bath.  Everyone laughed, I cried.  No actually I sobbed.  I was trying to be quiet, but I sobbed loud like a baby.  I looked at Adrian and he was crying too.  Tears silently running down his face.  We thought we were going pretty good.  It's been 13 weeks today since Lucas passed and I thought it was getting a little easier and then something like this happens.  I was so glad that Alicia and Paul weren't there.  Anyway some of the ladies came and spoke to me at the end.  I didn't really want to talk, but they care and I want to be kind. The picture above is of Adrian and I at the hospital with Lucas the night before he left to go to heaven.  I tried hard not to cry but really I didn't have a hope.  I can still feel the weight of him and feel the touch of his little hand.  Yesterday talking to Alicia I know that when she eventually falls pregnant again somuch of this pain will be eased.  We all feel like we are somewhere we shouldn't be, like we have left something behind and we are going somewhere with someone missing.  We are and having another baby won't make the pain of Lucas not being here any less, but we need the joy of some new life in us.  I miss you Lucas.