Remembering

What a little beauty he is. So tiny and so precious. I never thought that someone here for such a short time could steal my heart forever, but he has. Look at the size of his daddy's hand next to him, isn't that amazing? It's been 8 weeks since he left to go and play in heaven and there hasn't been a day I haven't selfishly wished him back to us. Cruel maybe, but what can I say, I want him to be here with us and I want to watch him grow. I'm crying of course as I read this, but I try hard every day now not to spend too much time weeping for him. Alicia said to me the other day, of course she cries, but what does that accomplish, nothing really does it. I actually don't like crying all the time, and I am hoping that as the weeks roll by it happens less. I am an overly emotional person anyway so it doesn't take much to set me off. I'm still asking what happened, why did it happen, what can I do to feel better and I'm still without answers. I want to trust God again, but how do you do this when everything we thought He would do He didn't. Anyway I am tired of the questions and I am tired of the pain and I want to start to live again and see beautiful things again. I love blogging and I have started another blog that is my fun blog, not a travel one this time like my other two and not one like this one where I come to grieve. My new one is called "A Box of Chocolates"and that is just what I want it to be like. Like opening a box of chocolates and seeing colours, smelling the sweetness, having your mouth begin to water, needing to make that huge decision about which one first. So for Lucas I want to be happy again. One Day.

A Sadness Within

Alicia and Paul came for dinner last night, it was nice. No episode from Brothers & Sisters this time. Family joke I guess. With all our personalities in one room, we often end up with a night like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. Funny!!! But it's different now, it's like we shouldn't be too happy yet. We're not, happy as such, I think e are healing a little bit at a time, but I see a difference in Alicia and Paul. A quietness, a broken bit in them, like something has dampened the joy in them. They can have more children, it will be a process, nothing like just deciding now is the time and then letting it happen, but they can have more children. But what happens then, I wondered today, would it be better to havea little bo or girl next. Would a little boy be too much like having our darling Lucas again? Would a little girl, just go to show that they would have had the ideal family, big brother first then little sis. I don't know and does it really matter, sometimes I think I just think to much. Whatever they have we will of course adore them, we will cry when they fall pregnant again and we will cry when the baby is born. Tears of joy and tears of fear, is this little one going to be ok. We will cry when we get told the baby is fine, we will cry when they finally get to take their precious baby home. We will cry when we go into the yet unused nursery and we see again all the books, clothes, toys and gifts that were meant for Lucas and now will be used by this next little one. But we will also laugh at the little face, the tiny toes and fingers, the little ears, the giggly laugh. We'll laugh at the smelly nappies, and the yukky up chucks. We will heal when we nurse this little one and we will love him or her as much as we love Lucas. I log for that day, I long for the joy and the sadness, the bittersweet.

What a difference a day makes

I actually feel a lot better today, hope it lasts for more than a day, now that's pessamistic isn't it!! So I think it is because Paul & Alicia have come over a hump and now they can begin to make some real plans for the future. Of course the loss will remain for much longer, probably never go away not really, but there is hope and like I said yesterday hope makes us hope. The bible says "a heart without hope becomes sick" sooooooo true! I think it actually says "hope deferred makes us sick " for everyone who might want to correct me, but you get the gist of it ok! Hey so that means that some things in the bible are true...interesting thought. Ha Ha! For me it is just good for me to know they can try again, that they will try again and that there is a really good chance that they will have the beautiful baby they have wanted for so long. Alicia amazes me she is willing to go back to church, to have a relationship with God, no matter how fragile and how new it will be again. She said yesterday it will take time to trust Him again, I'm with her on that one. But she is willing to start somewhere.I hope they love them there, I hope they nurture them and hold them through this. Church can be the lonliest place ever. Mostly we go to meet our friends, we shouldn't I know but we do, we go to sing, talk, share, we're supposed to go to worship and honour God. But really we go most of us anyway for the friendship factor. And if you have been for a long time and not really connected with people then that's when we hop off to some other church and we hope we make a connection there. Sad but so true. And who can blame us we all need to connect, we need to have people to share life with, and if we have the same belief system it makes it easier. Not as interesting as connecting with people with totally different views on life, family, religion etc., but safe and easy. So now I have to decide where we really should be. I love our Pasotr but we have connected with so few people in the last year an a bit, it's really difficult to say I belong there. There are a couple of people who have really shone through this and surprisingly not people who we thought would be ones to stand with us, funny isn't it how some run and some stay. So now what is next it always seems to be the question where and what next.

Hope Shines Through

Alicia and Paul went to Brisbane yesterday to talk with the doctors. They have said Lucas did have NH and that their best and only really hope of having another baby is to have the transfusions. Immunoglobulin (I think that's how you spell it), from about 14 weeks I think. The success rate has been very good and about 50 women worldwide have had it done and all but 2 babies have survived. This give hope doesn't it, and it's funny how such a small thing, hope, can change a life. Alicia and Paul went to a church on Sunday, and they really liked it. It's COC the church attached to the school Alicia went to and the church where Paul got saved. They went on a funny day "Vision Sunday" not a real service day, but still they enjoyed it. Alicia said she still couldn't sing the songs, but she knows she wants to be in heaven with Lucas one day and to stay out of church isn't going to help her get there. So I feel such a sense of relief. I just realised that I couldn't go back until they went back. It would have felt like I had accepted God allowing Lucas to go and that would have been a betrayal to all of them. So now if Paul & Alicia are going to go I feel ok about going too. I'm not sure where just yet and I don't know how I will feel when I get there and everyone is saying how wonderful God is and how loving etc. but I can go and find out. I feel lighter and happier and a sense of everything will eventually be ok. I love my daughter so much and I love Paul too and I have been so broken hearted for them that I feel like I have died myself, in a little way. Now I hope the sun will shine again and we can move forward together.

Why Some Days

I don't know why some days are harder than others??? Today is the day before the 7 weeks since Lucas passed away, why is this day harder than yesterday? Who knows, and when does it stop being harder. When will it feel better a little better day by day, will it ever? Alicia and Paul are driving to Brisbane today to talk with the doctors that worked with Lucas. They have got the results of the biopsy's back and still no absolutely it was NH....that just ticks me off too!! So now they just have to continue to work on the assumption that it probably was. Well that's ok if it weren't for the fact that the percentage is so damn high if Lucas did have NH that the next baby will too. And I see Alicia hoping so desperately for another child. And the fear is almost palpable that this will happen again. So we don't seem to have gotten very far from 7 weeks ago, still waiting for something solid and waiting for the ache to ease and the tears to stop and the pain to go away and for God in all his power and love to come and tell us WHY!!!! So tough we just keep waiting. It sucks really I am still so ticked off with God where the heck are you in all of this. Hiding, sleeping, pretending we will be ok, yeah whatever it just sucks is all I can say and I have no idea how people can just get around saying God loves us he never leaves us nor forsakes us yeah right, well come stand in our shoes and tell me the same thing. I feel like I am in a void, I am back from our trip and now what. I was expecting to go for walks with Alicia and Lucas in the park, to help her with the shopping and the new baby, to go and visit and cuddle and coo and all the things Nannys do and I feel so at a loss. I feel so useless when I see Alicia well up with tears and try and just get through another day, another lonely day wondering why this happened. I am sick of crying and I just can't feel really happy anymore. I want a job, but I don't either, I want a hobby to consume me and I want Lucas.

Sometimes I am afraid I will never feel great again, is there always going to be this underlying sense of someone missing, this need and want to hold him again, I just don't know where to go now what to do, running doesn't really help much.