Saturday, August 15, 2009

A Sadness Within

Alicia and Paul came for dinner last night, it was nice. No episode from Brothers & Sisters this time. Family joke I guess. With all our personalities in one room, we often end up with a night like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. Funny!!! But it's different now, it's like we shouldn't be too happy yet. We're not, happy as such, I think e are healing a little bit at a time, but I see a difference in Alicia and Paul. A quietness, a broken bit in them, like something has dampened the joy in them. They can have more children, it will be a process, nothing like just deciding now is the time and then letting it happen, but they can have more children. But what happens then, I wondered today, would it be better to havea little bo or girl next. Would a little boy be too much like having our darling Lucas again? Would a little girl, just go to show that they would have had the ideal family, big brother first then little sis. I don't know and does it really matter, sometimes I think I just think to much. Whatever they have we will of course adore them, we will cry when they fall pregnant again and we will cry when the baby is born. Tears of joy and tears of fear, is this little one going to be ok. We will cry when we get told the baby is fine, we will cry when they finally get to take their precious baby home. We will cry when we go into the yet unused nursery and we see again all the books, clothes, toys and gifts that were meant for Lucas and now will be used by this next little one. But we will also laugh at the little face, the tiny toes and fingers, the little ears, the giggly laugh. We'll laugh at the smelly nappies, and the yukky up chucks. We will heal when we nurse this little one and we will love him or her as much as we love Lucas. I log for that day, I long for the joy and the sadness, the bittersweet.

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