Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I Just Can't Bear the Pain

Our beautiful baby grandson Lucas Adrian Middleton went to be with Jesus on the morning of the 23rd June 2009 on the day he turned 7 weeks old.
My heart broke into a million pieces and to be honest I just can't see how it will ever feel happy again. My eyes are so sore, red and scratchy. I have a headache that has hung around for 3 days now and sometimes I just can't breathe. A little bit of me, my dreams for the times I would spend with Lucas, the things we would see him grow up to do, died to.
People say a parent should never have to bury their own child, I want to add to that, that a parent should never have to watch their child lose a child. The pain is unbearable. I have scenes in my head now that I can't get out, tears, pain, sadness, disbelief, regret, doubt, fear, loss. Visions of my daughter and her wonderful husband crying on each others chests. Doubting that they did their best, apologising to each other for what I don't know. Holding on to their beautiful baby for the last time. My husband weeping like a child. My twins sobbing against the wall, unable to do anything to console their sister in her grief.
And still I ask the question of God.....Where were you in all of this? Why did you allow Lucas to come into the world for such a short time? Why did the cries of our hearts fall on deaf ears? What plans did you have for Lucas, that gave him a future and a hope? What good can come out of this? So many people have tried to comfort me saying that God will work some sort of miracle in all this, the one miracle we wanted never happened. They say we will feel Him comfort us. I can't feel anything but pain and loss and sadness. I want to say I am angry but that means I would have to be able to rise to that and I just can't. I feel like I am the guest of honour at my very own Pity Party and maybe I am. I just want something to help me walk today, to let me know that Alicia and Paul will make it through this. Not just scrape through but come out the other side well and happy. I am afraid for what will happen to Alicia. She closes off emotion, she turns inside and I can see her dying a little bit. I am so afraid for her. And now I don't even feel like I have God to ask for help. It would be a waste of my time and I can't take the rejection again. I am so scared for what will come now. And I miss my baby boy soooo much.

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