Monday, June 29, 2009

Breathe, just Breathe

This time last week we were on our way to Brisbane, having heard from Alicia that Lucas was off the transplant list. I can hardly believe it was just a week. The days run together. In the last week our, my life has been turned upside down. On Thursday 25th June we had the funeral for Lucas. It ws at the Chapel at Preston, that Paul's parents own. Alicia and Paul had done an amazing job organising the service. But watching Paul carry the little white coffin carrying Lucas, from the church was heart breaking. No dad should ever have to do that. NEVER!!!

And I am still waking in the morning after broken sleep with my heart aching and tears just come. Driving down the street, reading the paper, watching something so meaningless on the tele, everything right now just seems pointless. I find it hard to even smile most times. And now I feel like we have lost so many things. As a grandparent I had my own dreams and plans and ideas of the future with Lucas. I could see my husband with him going fishing, to the football, in the shed with the boys toys. For me in the garden, in the craft room, taking photos, of him and with him, cooking together, all sorts of things. With Alicia and Paul and watching them become the incredible parents I always knew they would be and will be. Being the holiday babysitters for them, complaining about it but loving it too. And then there is the loss of God in all this. Where is He, where has He been for the last 8 weeks. People have said they pray we feel His presence, His peace His love...... well we haven't and we can't and I don't know what to do to change that. I know the bible says that He will take out my heart of stone (which is what it feels like now) and He will put in a heart of flesh... Well do it. Because everyday I just feel colder inside, harder more cynical, more abandoned, more rejected. And I doubt more and more that He really does care. Alicia said it a few days before Lucas passed away, she said she still believes there is a God, but she doesn't believe He is what we have thought He was. He isn't caring, loving, kind, faithful. He does have favourites, he must have or why would some be healed and some left. I feel like I have been brainwashed into believing a lie. I have always thought of God as being like the most incredible parent. I've compared my own parenting decisions to His. And always he was kinder, more just and fair, more filled with compassion, until now. And don't tell me that He has saved Lucas from some terrible future that we can't possibly know about. What a crock, if that was the cas then why knit him together in the first place. Omnipotent I don't think so.
I've heard it all had someone say it all, my thoughts are get a reality check life is what it is and yes there is a God but don't go getting all blown out about how he will answer all your prayers, He probably won't.
And then I sit and cry because there was a time when I had hope that He would make me feel better. I used to pray for the peace to come and right now there just doesn't seem any point. I don't know how to change that. So if He wants me to find him again he will have to show me the way. Cause I am lost.

We were having lunch yesterday and a lady we know said to us, she'd asked her Pastor about healing once and he said. God does heal just not always the way we think he will. WHAT does that mean....healed is healed, here on earth walking around to tell about it. Healed is NOT healed in heaven when we are gone from here. That is dead as far as the ones left behind are concerned and lets face it it's those people who were praying for the healing not the angels in heaven. So I am so sick of the Christianease platitudes and cliches, and aI have said them myself. Reality is He doesn't always heal, he doesn't always do what his word says he will do, what else explains this.

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