HOW TO BEGIN AGAIN

I think I want to start a new blog. One that lets me be creative, artistic, different. I feel like I have

to somehow express who I am and what I want to be in the future. The picture I have posted here looks just how I feel right now. Like I am on a path going somewhere. A beautiful place, peaceful, generous, calming, quiet, new. I want to go there to find who I am, what I beleive, what I will become. I have to change everything about myself. I have to find out what I really believe and is it what I think I have believed for so many years. I still cry most days. longing for Lucas. I don't know quite how I should feel, who does know? I wake up early in the morning, it's still dark and my mind races with thoughts. Should I pray, should I drink, should I believe and what shoud I believe. What have I believed for all these years. Firstly I do believe that Jesus is the son of God. I believe that He died for me and I believe in creation. I believe that there is a heaven and a hell. I believe that if we believe Jesus died for us we will go to heaven. I used to believe that every word in the Bible is true. That we only had to pray with faith as small as a mustard seed and we would see the things in the bible come to pass. Things like healing. Now I don't believe that any more and does it matter. Does it really matter if I believe those things or not? I don't think so. But somehow I have to decide who God is to me now. Is He the loving, faithful, truthful Father I have called Him before? Hmmm!!! Not so sure of that one any more.

When I think of Lucas, I just long for him to be here. I want to hold him, I want to smell his baby smell. I want to change his nappy and hear him gurgle and giggle, to see him suck his thumb and wrinkle up his nose. These are some of the things that make me so sad, to think I will never get to see them, to experience them. How does a person work through this and come out feeling like there is sunshine o the horizon? I don't like the way I am responding to this either. Drinking, moping around, doing nothing really and waking up everyday just feeling sad, guilty, angry at myself, lonely and like I have no real future at the moment. Adrian said he was starting to feel a ittle better each day and I am jealous and annoyed. How can he move on and yet I know he has to, we all do. I feel like my friends must be so over this, me just complaining about God and how I feel about what's happened. I know they understand how I feel but I still feel like I must be such a pain after a while. Alicia and Paul amaze me. I just can't imagine how they are feeling, the depth of their loss, the sorrow and the pain. How do they wake up each morning and walk through the day surviving??????? I just have one question WHY?????

There's good and there's bad

I was laying in bed this morning and I started to remember the night Lucas passed away. We arrived at the hospital and when we walked into the hospital room Alicia was reading to Lucas from the children's bible I had bought him. How ironic to be reading from the bible to him. This is terrible everything I think about God is not good. My thoughts are just painful and I just get angry and disillusioned all the time. I wish I had never believed that He heals, I wish I had never put so much hope in prayer, I wish I had just had a limited faith in what he would, could and does do. I woud be better off than now, feeling totally abandoned and disappointed in him. I realise that my understanding of God, who he is, what he does, is limited to my head and not in my heart. I have never really felt like I know KNOW him, not like some people say they do. I just believed what I read and was told by preachers. Now I wonder if they really believe in him like they say they do. It's so easy to trust in someone to be faithful to you when everything is fine. If the biggest worry you have is a job, or a partner etc then that's easy. I know at the time i doesn't seem like it but hey you aren't going to die hey. When the problem is He has to show up or you or someone you love dies then that's different isn't it. How many miracles do we really see? How many people are really saved from death without any medical intervention? I used to give God credit for so many things, the jobs our kids got straight after school, the job I got after not workng for 19 years, the pay I got in that job, so many things that now I just think were because we had the talent, or knew the people. So now I have no one, nothing and nowhere to go.

And Now

Sometimes I think I rush things. I'm not someone who is a sad person, I usually find the good in something, or I just walk away from the bad. But this is different. I can't find good in any of this and I can't walk away from it either. Walk to where? I don't like being miserable day after day and I don't like not having an anchor point anymore. I used to be able to describe myself fairly easily, you know I'm a mum, I like to travel, read, cook, walk, I'm a spirit filled bible believing Christian, etc etc. Now I just don't know anymore...what am I now. What was my faith based on before head knowledge of God obviously, because I don't think I would be so shaken if I knew the God, the person that he is meant to be. He just doesn't seem to be who I have always believed him to be. Alicia and I went shopping the other day and it seemed like everywhere we went there were baby things, and babies with their mum's. I just wanted to cry. I want to hold Lucas, I want to smell his baby smell and hear him laugh and see him wriggle and giggle and cry. I want to have a first Christmas with him here, and to see Paul have his first Fathers day with him. I hate the fact that this year every event we would have spent with him will be ruined, it will be sad instead of fun and no one will want to have Christmas, or Easter or any of the other days we should have been enjoying with Lucas. How do you just go through that, I don't know...do you get over this feeling in time or do you just get kind of numb and just feel less?

We went to church on Sunday, BIG mistake...BIG mistake. I felt like I was on show, people looking at us and I just wanted to melt into the floor. The songs just made me cry and I just wanted to leave. I just can't hear the words right now I can't hear all this stuff. Maybe time will make things better, I hope because right now that's what I feel is missing the most....hope! Hope that I will feel better anytime soon, hope that this will never happen again, hope that I will get answers to the questions swirling around in my mind. I need hope and I know the bible says Hope deferred makes the heart sick and truly my heart is sick.

How Can I

The days go on one after another and some are a little easier than others and some are like the first day all over again. I thought yesterday about what I am feeling about God in all of this and I think I have an answer as to why it's so hard. You see if I begin to feel like I want to go back to having a relationship with God again, well I have to accept what He let happen. How can I do that? How can I say it's ok that He didn't answer when we prayed. How can I say that it's alright that He let Lucas go. I can't do that not yet and I don't know if I ever will. I cannot say hey its ok that you let our baby grandson go, that its ok we had to watch our kids go through this. I just can't and how will that ever change.

A friend has said it's the Holy Spirit that draws us to God and I have told him if he wants me again He has to come to me. I don't have the power or the ability or even the desire to chase the Lord again. Not today and I don't know when I will. I think there is a side to God I didn't think about before. In the old testament He is a God of wrath, He wiped out entire nations, overnight whole nations, women, children, entire families gone. Not fair surely and I realise He still does that or He still allows it to happen. He isn't just a God of blessing and mercy. He is a God we should fear, we should shake thinking of His power and we should not expect that He will just shower blessings on us. Sometimes we must be like specks of dust in His eyes, He wipes His fingers across his face and we disappear. I need to get used to that concept of him.

Where to Now

So the first week has come and gone. Ashleigh, Danielle and I spent most of the day Wednesday at Alicia's. When we arrived the house looked like a disaster area. Paperwork all over the loungeroom floor, clothes in laundry baskets and suitcases in evey room. What on earth were they doing. Well Paul had decided that they needed to do a Spring clean, it's winter here by the way. So he was re organising the small bedroom they are using as a walk in robe come office, Alicia was cleaning the kitchen. So I joined in, washing clothes being my choice. It didn't take much to realise that they needed to keep busy. Well Paul did anyway. He's taken some time off from his work as an electrician, he just wants a break from things. I think the 7 weeks that he and Alicia spent in Brisbane with Lucas at the hospital has taken a bigger toll on him than we thought. We went back yesterday, Thursday this was the day of the funeral last week and I thought they might be feeling a bit low. The house was immaculate. He is a good cleaner!!! So my question now is what's next.

It's what we do isn't it, we find some way of channelling all the pain, confusion, loss, anger everything into something that either so consumes us that we are too busy to feel it, or we choose to numb it with alcohol or drugs etc. I hate to admit it, I really do but I have been drinking too much wine this past week. I have a problem when it comes to drinking and I know that the way I am dealing with this is just avoiding it by having a few wines to numb the senses. Yeah it works for the moment and then later nothing has changed. I have to change what I am doing. I am sleeping in too. For me to get out of bed at 8.30am is really late and I am doing that every day. I need to get a better grip on things.

I just want to understand what happened and why it happened.