Friday, July 17, 2009

And Now

Sometimes I think I rush things. I'm not someone who is a sad person, I usually find the good in something, or I just walk away from the bad. But this is different. I can't find good in any of this and I can't walk away from it either. Walk to where? I don't like being miserable day after day and I don't like not having an anchor point anymore. I used to be able to describe myself fairly easily, you know I'm a mum, I like to travel, read, cook, walk, I'm a spirit filled bible believing Christian, etc etc. Now I just don't know anymore...what am I now. What was my faith based on before head knowledge of God obviously, because I don't think I would be so shaken if I knew the God, the person that he is meant to be. He just doesn't seem to be who I have always believed him to be. Alicia and I went shopping the other day and it seemed like everywhere we went there were baby things, and babies with their mum's. I just wanted to cry. I want to hold Lucas, I want to smell his baby smell and hear him laugh and see him wriggle and giggle and cry. I want to have a first Christmas with him here, and to see Paul have his first Fathers day with him. I hate the fact that this year every event we would have spent with him will be ruined, it will be sad instead of fun and no one will want to have Christmas, or Easter or any of the other days we should have been enjoying with Lucas. How do you just go through that, I don't you get over this feeling in time or do you just get kind of numb and just feel less?
We went to church on Sunday, BIG mistake...BIG mistake. I felt like I was on show, people looking at us and I just wanted to melt into the floor. The songs just made me cry and I just wanted to leave. I just can't hear the words right now I can't hear all this stuff. Maybe time will make things better, I hope because right now that's what I feel is missing the most....hope! Hope that I will feel better anytime soon, hope that this will never happen again, hope that I will get answers to the questions swirling around in my mind. I need hope and I know the bible says Hope deferred makes the heart sick and truly my heart is sick.

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