There's good and there's bad

I was laying in bed this morning and I started to remember the night Lucas passed away. We arrived at the hospital and when we walked into the hospital room Alicia was reading to Lucas from the children's bible I had bought him. How ironic to be reading from the bible to him. This is terrible everything I think about God is not good. My thoughts are just painful and I just get angry and disillusioned all the time. I wish I had never believed that He heals, I wish I had never put so much hope in prayer, I wish I had just had a limited faith in what he would, could and does do. I woud be better off than now, feeling totally abandoned and disappointed in him. I realise that my understanding of God, who he is, what he does, is limited to my head and not in my heart. I have never really felt like I know KNOW him, not like some people say they do. I just believed what I read and was told by preachers. Now I wonder if they really believe in him like they say they do. It's so easy to trust in someone to be faithful to you when everything is fine. If the biggest worry you have is a job, or a partner etc then that's easy. I know at the time i doesn't seem like it but hey you aren't going to die hey. When the problem is He has to show up or you or someone you love dies then that's different isn't it. How many miracles do we really see? How many people are really saved from death without any medical intervention? I used to give God credit for so many things, the jobs our kids got straight after school, the job I got after not workng for 19 years, the pay I got in that job, so many things that now I just think were because we had the talent, or knew the people. So now I have no one, nothing and nowhere to go.