Friday, July 24, 2009

When I think of Lucas, I just long for him to be here. I want to hold him, I want to smell his baby smell. I want to change his nappy and hear him gurgle and giggle, to see him suck his thumb and wrinkle up his nose. These are some of the things that make me so sad, to think I will never get to see them, to experience them. How does a person work through this and come out feeling like there is sunshine o the horizon? I don't like the way I am responding to this either. Drinking, moping around, doing nothing really and waking up everyday just feeling sad, guilty, angry at myself, lonely and like I have no real future at the moment. Adrian said he was starting to feel a ittle better each day and I am jealous and annoyed. How can he move on and yet I know he has to, we all do. I feel like my friends must be so over this, me just complaining about God and how I feel about what's happened. I know they understand how I feel but I still feel like I must be such a pain after a while. Alicia and Paul amaze me. I just can't imagine how they are feeling, the depth of their loss, the sorrow and the pain. How do they wake up each morning and walk through the day surviving??????? I just have one question WHY?????

1 comment:

  1. I found this blog after reading your comment on Se'lah's Necessary Room, where she wants to build a bridge of love in honor of the Dalai Lama's seventy-fifth birthday, which is today. I read it all. I read your words. I cried at your suffering, the terrible loss of your darling grandson. I cried for the loss of your feelings of safety in the world, of your sense of betrayal. I have no answers, no words of wisdom. I can only bear witness to your suffering. Fruitless though it may be, I ask the angels to find a way to give you succor. I am so bold to ask for healing for you and your family.