Sunday, July 5, 2009

How Can I

The days go on one after another and some are a little easier than others and some are like the first day all over again. I thought yesterday about what I am feeling about God in all of this and I think I have an answer as to why it's so hard. You see if I begin to feel like I want to go back to having a relationship with God again, well I have to accept what He let happen. How can I do that? How can I say it's ok that He didn't answer when we prayed. How can I say that it's alright that He let Lucas go. I can't do that not yet and I don't know if I ever will. I cannot say hey its ok that you let our baby grandson go, that its ok we had to watch our kids go through this. I just can't and how will that ever change.

A friend has said it's the Holy Spirit that draws us to God and I have told him if he wants me again He has to come to me. I don't have the power or the ability or even the desire to chase the Lord again. Not today and I don't know when I will. I think there is a side to God I didn't think about before. In the old testament He is a God of wrath, He wiped out entire nations, overnight whole nations, women, children, entire families gone. Not fair surely and I realise He still does that or He still allows it to happen. He isn't just a God of blessing and mercy. He is a God we should fear, we should shake thinking of His power and we should not expect that He will just shower blessings on us. Sometimes we must be like specks of dust in His eyes, He wipes His fingers across his face and we disappear. I need to get used to that concept of him.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sad to hear about your struggles with God, but I certainly have been there also. For the longest time, I kept asking why? Why did God take Evan at such and young age and from parents who truly loved and adored him. I am sure you have been asking the same questions. Your journey in grief is still so new and raw. Your feelings and questions about God are so normal. I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you, but I know that cannot happen. I feel sometimes that God is testing my faith although completely not fair. Although you are having a difficult time with God right now, I will certainly keep praying for you.

    I have a friend who lost both of her boys, ages 6 and 9 in a car accident 4 years ago. She and her husband are unable to have any more chidlren. Their faith is incredibly inspirational! On my darkest days,I think of her and say to myself, if she can make it, than so can I!