to somehow express who I am and what I want to be in the future. The picture I have posted here looks just how I feel right now. Like I am on a path going somewhere. A beautiful place, peaceful, generous, calming, quiet, new. I want to go there to find who I am, what I beleive, what I will become. I have to change everything about myself. I have to find out what I really believe and is it what I think I have believed for so many years. I still cry most days. longing for Lucas. I don't know quite how I should feel, who does know? I wake up early in the morning, it's still dark and my mind races with thoughts. Should I pray, should I drink, should I believe and what shoud I believe. What have I believed for all these years. Firstly I do believe that Jesus is the son of God. I believe that He died for me and I believe in creation. I believe that there is a heaven and a hell. I believe that if we believe Jesus died for us we will go to heaven. I used to believe that every word in the Bible is true. That we only had to pray with faith as small as a mustard seed and we would see the things in the bible come to pass. Things like healing. Now I don't believe that any more and does it matter. Does it really matter if I believe those things or not? I don't think so. But somehow I have to decide who God is to me now. Is He the loving, faithful, truthful Father I have called Him before? Hmmm!!! Not so sure of that one any more.