Is He kind?

IN THIS FOG

Sunk in this gray

depression

I cannot pray.

How can I give

expression

with no words to say?

This mass of vague

foreboding

of aching care,

love with its

overloading

short-circuits prayer.

Then is this fog

of tiredness

this nothingness, I find

a quiet, certain, knowing

that He is kind.

ruth bell graham

I started to read a book I have had for years now, "Clouds are the Dust of His Feet" by Ruth Bell Graham.  It has some really lovely poems in it and the one above kind of tells it how I feel right now.  Except for the part the very last line that says He is kind.  I still don't get that.  I still don't understand how I am supposed to just believe that Lucas dying was for some kind of good.  Right, maybe there was going to be a future so sad, bad, hard whatever that it was kinder for him to go when he did.  But how does that equate to a God who is so powerful that He can rasie the dead, yet He decided that He would let Lucas be born, be formed by Him in the womb with this terrible disease.  This poor little man never really had a chance, how does that describe a God who is kind, all powerful, loving arghhhh!!!!!  Really, really is he really????

At the same time I am over asking the questions, over wondering and arguing with God.  But I am amazed by how life changing this has been for me.  i don't think there is one thing about me that is the same as it was before June 23 this year.  My whole mind has had to readjust to a new way of believing.  A new way of relating to God, to walking each day throguh life.  There are people who have been my friends for years who I think simply do not know what to say or do anymore.  i don't talk about it with them much anymore, but I don't talk about all this wonderful isn't he great God stuff anymore either and I think that says volumes to them.  Like I've said before I believe He is and He was and He will be still, but I don't believe all the healing stuff anymore.  I don't pray anymore expecting to get an answer, so often I just don't pray.  Maybe that will change in time I don't know.

I lost it!

We went to church on Sunday, I felt really uncomfortable going and was nearly going to keep on driving but pulled into the carpark anyway.  I should have kept going.  All was ok until low and behold they are doing baptisms today.  The first baby was ok she was older about I don't know maybe 1 or so.  Then the next little one came out.  she had a head full of black hair, just like Lucas and she was tiny.  I would guess no more than maybe 8 or 10 weeks, if that.  She had on only a nappy and her face was so sweet.  She pulled little faces and her dad, who is a doctor dunked her right in the baptism bath.  Everyone laughed, I cried.  No actually I sobbed.  I was trying to be quiet, but I sobbed loud like a baby.  I looked at Adrian and he was crying too.  Tears silently running down his face.  We thought we were going pretty good.  It's been 13 weeks today since Lucas passed and I thought it was getting a little easier and then something like this happens.  I was so glad that Alicia and Paul weren't there.  Anyway some of the ladies came and spoke to me at the end.  I didn't really want to talk, but they care and I want to be kind. The picture above is of Adrian and I at the hospital with Lucas the night before he left to go to heaven.  I tried hard not to cry but really I didn't have a hope.  I can still feel the weight of him and feel the touch of his little hand.  Yesterday talking to Alicia I know that when she eventually falls pregnant again somuch of this pain will be eased.  We all feel like we are somewhere we shouldn't be, like we have left something behind and we are going somewhere with someone missing.  We are and having another baby won't make the pain of Lucas not being here any less, but we need the joy of some new life in us.  I miss you Lucas.

It's Simple Really

Tomorrow is Father's Day in Australia and it will suck.  Both Adrian and I have lost our fathers and poor Paul will face his first fathers day without Lucas.  WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still no answers and still no comfort in any of this.  Yes the tears come less frequently but hey when you fast for three days by the third day your stomach stops rumbling, doesn't mean your not hungry.  No tears don't mean we're not sad.

Again

This morning we had sad news.  A friend has passed away this morning after a long battle with cancer.  He leaves behind a wife and 7 children.  How can this be good for anyone.  He believed until the very end that he would be healed.  He prayed and talked to God all the time.  He stood in our church and the entire congregation prayed for him.  He believed he would be healed and once again it didn't happen.  I don't think it does very often at all any more.  We hear about it happening in 3rd world countries, where there are no cameras, how convenient and we read about it in books that are sold world wide to supposedly build our faith.  Really well that isn't happening when all around me I see people who believe and have faith abandoned and die.  So not fair, so not what I expect and absolutely not what I read in the word.  "Lay hands on the sick and they shall be healed"  oops sorry about that folks, not today. My friends can't understand why I am so ticked off, are you kidding me?!  One said to me yesterday that maybe when my heart was not hard anymore I would get the answers I am looking for, REALLY you are joking aren't you???!!!! When my heart isn't hard anymore, well I don't want it this way, I don't even know where it is (my heart) at the moment, last time I saw it, it had been torn out, tossed on the ground, trampled on and hung out to dry.  Hey and I didn't do any of that sorry.....He did well he at least let the circumstance happen that caused it to be that way.  So when I say He isn't talking to me, it isn't that I'm not listening, it isn't that I don't want to hear from Him, it is just that He walked away 10 weeks ago and I don't know where he is.  Never leave me nor forsake me, yeah right, not likely.  So yes my heart does sound like it's hard, it's hurt, bruised, crushed, mangled, torn apart, BROKEN and now my friend expects me to just soften my heart HOW HOW HOW, tell me I'd like to know what I am supposed to do to make it better.  Where is this Prince of Peace, Comforter...????? HEY are you out there come talk to me, come comfort me, come bring peace casue I'm losing it here.

So my ranting is out, seriously, I just want to know what I need to do to understand this.  I'm sick of questioning, and I'm tired of getting no answers, so now mostly I just do nothing, I let it go and I wait for God to come and find me out here in the desert.  Where is my burning bush?  How will I find my way out from here?

Remembering

What a little beauty he is. So tiny and so precious. I never thought that someone here for such a short time could steal my heart forever, but he has. Look at the size of his daddy's hand next to him, isn't that amazing? It's been 8 weeks since he left to go and play in heaven and there hasn't been a day I haven't selfishly wished him back to us. Cruel maybe, but what can I say, I want him to be here with us and I want to watch him grow. I'm crying of course as I read this, but I try hard every day now not to spend too much time weeping for him. Alicia said to me the other day, of course she cries, but what does that accomplish, nothing really does it. I actually don't like crying all the time, and I am hoping that as the weeks roll by it happens less. I am an overly emotional person anyway so it doesn't take much to set me off. I'm still asking what happened, why did it happen, what can I do to feel better and I'm still without answers. I want to trust God again, but how do you do this when everything we thought He would do He didn't. Anyway I am tired of the questions and I am tired of the pain and I want to start to live again and see beautiful things again. I love blogging and I have started another blog that is my fun blog, not a travel one this time like my other two and not one like this one where I come to grieve. My new one is called "A Box of Chocolates"and that is just what I want it to be like. Like opening a box of chocolates and seeing colours, smelling the sweetness, having your mouth begin to water, needing to make that huge decision about which one first. So for Lucas I want to be happy again. One Day.

A Sadness Within

Alicia and Paul came for dinner last night, it was nice. No episode from Brothers & Sisters this time. Family joke I guess. With all our personalities in one room, we often end up with a night like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. Funny!!! But it's different now, it's like we shouldn't be too happy yet. We're not, happy as such, I think e are healing a little bit at a time, but I see a difference in Alicia and Paul. A quietness, a broken bit in them, like something has dampened the joy in them. They can have more children, it will be a process, nothing like just deciding now is the time and then letting it happen, but they can have more children. But what happens then, I wondered today, would it be better to havea little bo or girl next. Would a little boy be too much like having our darling Lucas again? Would a little girl, just go to show that they would have had the ideal family, big brother first then little sis. I don't know and does it really matter, sometimes I think I just think to much. Whatever they have we will of course adore them, we will cry when they fall pregnant again and we will cry when the baby is born. Tears of joy and tears of fear, is this little one going to be ok. We will cry when we get told the baby is fine, we will cry when they finally get to take their precious baby home. We will cry when we go into the yet unused nursery and we see again all the books, clothes, toys and gifts that were meant for Lucas and now will be used by this next little one. But we will also laugh at the little face, the tiny toes and fingers, the little ears, the giggly laugh. We'll laugh at the smelly nappies, and the yukky up chucks. We will heal when we nurse this little one and we will love him or her as much as we love Lucas. I log for that day, I long for the joy and the sadness, the bittersweet.

What a difference a day makes

I actually feel a lot better today, hope it lasts for more than a day, now that's pessamistic isn't it!! So I think it is because Paul & Alicia have come over a hump and now they can begin to make some real plans for the future. Of course the loss will remain for much longer, probably never go away not really, but there is hope and like I said yesterday hope makes us hope. The bible says "a heart without hope becomes sick" sooooooo true! I think it actually says "hope deferred makes us sick " for everyone who might want to correct me, but you get the gist of it ok! Hey so that means that some things in the bible are true...interesting thought. Ha Ha! For me it is just good for me to know they can try again, that they will try again and that there is a really good chance that they will have the beautiful baby they have wanted for so long. Alicia amazes me she is willing to go back to church, to have a relationship with God, no matter how fragile and how new it will be again. She said yesterday it will take time to trust Him again, I'm with her on that one. But she is willing to start somewhere.I hope they love them there, I hope they nurture them and hold them through this. Church can be the lonliest place ever. Mostly we go to meet our friends, we shouldn't I know but we do, we go to sing, talk, share, we're supposed to go to worship and honour God. But really we go most of us anyway for the friendship factor. And if you have been for a long time and not really connected with people then that's when we hop off to some other church and we hope we make a connection there. Sad but so true. And who can blame us we all need to connect, we need to have people to share life with, and if we have the same belief system it makes it easier. Not as interesting as connecting with people with totally different views on life, family, religion etc., but safe and easy. So now I have to decide where we really should be. I love our Pasotr but we have connected with so few people in the last year an a bit, it's really difficult to say I belong there. There are a couple of people who have really shone through this and surprisingly not people who we thought would be ones to stand with us, funny isn't it how some run and some stay. So now what is next it always seems to be the question where and what next.

Hope Shines Through

Alicia and Paul went to Brisbane yesterday to talk with the doctors. They have said Lucas did have NH and that their best and only really hope of having another baby is to have the transfusions. Immunoglobulin (I think that's how you spell it), from about 14 weeks I think. The success rate has been very good and about 50 women worldwide have had it done and all but 2 babies have survived. This give hope doesn't it, and it's funny how such a small thing, hope, can change a life. Alicia and Paul went to a church on Sunday, and they really liked it. It's COC the church attached to the school Alicia went to and the church where Paul got saved. They went on a funny day "Vision Sunday" not a real service day, but still they enjoyed it. Alicia said she still couldn't sing the songs, but she knows she wants to be in heaven with Lucas one day and to stay out of church isn't going to help her get there. So I feel such a sense of relief. I just realised that I couldn't go back until they went back. It would have felt like I had accepted God allowing Lucas to go and that would have been a betrayal to all of them. So now if Paul & Alicia are going to go I feel ok about going too. I'm not sure where just yet and I don't know how I will feel when I get there and everyone is saying how wonderful God is and how loving etc. but I can go and find out. I feel lighter and happier and a sense of everything will eventually be ok. I love my daughter so much and I love Paul too and I have been so broken hearted for them that I feel like I have died myself, in a little way. Now I hope the sun will shine again and we can move forward together.

Why Some Days

I don't know why some days are harder than others??? Today is the day before the 7 weeks since Lucas passed away, why is this day harder than yesterday? Who knows, and when does it stop being harder. When will it feel better a little better day by day, will it ever? Alicia and Paul are driving to Brisbane today to talk with the doctors that worked with Lucas. They have got the results of the biopsy's back and still no absolutely it was NH....that just ticks me off too!! So now they just have to continue to work on the assumption that it probably was. Well that's ok if it weren't for the fact that the percentage is so damn high if Lucas did have NH that the next baby will too. And I see Alicia hoping so desperately for another child. And the fear is almost palpable that this will happen again. So we don't seem to have gotten very far from 7 weeks ago, still waiting for something solid and waiting for the ache to ease and the tears to stop and the pain to go away and for God in all his power and love to come and tell us WHY!!!! So tough we just keep waiting. It sucks really I am still so ticked off with God where the heck are you in all of this. Hiding, sleeping, pretending we will be ok, yeah whatever it just sucks is all I can say and I have no idea how people can just get around saying God loves us he never leaves us nor forsakes us yeah right, well come stand in our shoes and tell me the same thing. I feel like I am in a void, I am back from our trip and now what. I was expecting to go for walks with Alicia and Lucas in the park, to help her with the shopping and the new baby, to go and visit and cuddle and coo and all the things Nannys do and I feel so at a loss. I feel so useless when I see Alicia well up with tears and try and just get through another day, another lonely day wondering why this happened. I am sick of crying and I just can't feel really happy anymore. I want a job, but I don't either, I want a hobby to consume me and I want Lucas.

Sometimes I am afraid I will never feel great again, is there always going to be this underlying sense of someone missing, this need and want to hold him again, I just don't know where to go now what to do, running doesn't really help much.

HOW TO BEGIN AGAIN

I think I want to start a new blog. One that lets me be creative, artistic, different. I feel like I have

to somehow express who I am and what I want to be in the future. The picture I have posted here looks just how I feel right now. Like I am on a path going somewhere. A beautiful place, peaceful, generous, calming, quiet, new. I want to go there to find who I am, what I beleive, what I will become. I have to change everything about myself. I have to find out what I really believe and is it what I think I have believed for so many years. I still cry most days. longing for Lucas. I don't know quite how I should feel, who does know? I wake up early in the morning, it's still dark and my mind races with thoughts. Should I pray, should I drink, should I believe and what shoud I believe. What have I believed for all these years. Firstly I do believe that Jesus is the son of God. I believe that He died for me and I believe in creation. I believe that there is a heaven and a hell. I believe that if we believe Jesus died for us we will go to heaven. I used to believe that every word in the Bible is true. That we only had to pray with faith as small as a mustard seed and we would see the things in the bible come to pass. Things like healing. Now I don't believe that any more and does it matter. Does it really matter if I believe those things or not? I don't think so. But somehow I have to decide who God is to me now. Is He the loving, faithful, truthful Father I have called Him before? Hmmm!!! Not so sure of that one any more.

When I think of Lucas, I just long for him to be here. I want to hold him, I want to smell his baby smell. I want to change his nappy and hear him gurgle and giggle, to see him suck his thumb and wrinkle up his nose. These are some of the things that make me so sad, to think I will never get to see them, to experience them. How does a person work through this and come out feeling like there is sunshine o the horizon? I don't like the way I am responding to this either. Drinking, moping around, doing nothing really and waking up everyday just feeling sad, guilty, angry at myself, lonely and like I have no real future at the moment. Adrian said he was starting to feel a ittle better each day and I am jealous and annoyed. How can he move on and yet I know he has to, we all do. I feel like my friends must be so over this, me just complaining about God and how I feel about what's happened. I know they understand how I feel but I still feel like I must be such a pain after a while. Alicia and Paul amaze me. I just can't imagine how they are feeling, the depth of their loss, the sorrow and the pain. How do they wake up each morning and walk through the day surviving??????? I just have one question WHY?????

There's good and there's bad

I was laying in bed this morning and I started to remember the night Lucas passed away. We arrived at the hospital and when we walked into the hospital room Alicia was reading to Lucas from the children's bible I had bought him. How ironic to be reading from the bible to him. This is terrible everything I think about God is not good. My thoughts are just painful and I just get angry and disillusioned all the time. I wish I had never believed that He heals, I wish I had never put so much hope in prayer, I wish I had just had a limited faith in what he would, could and does do. I woud be better off than now, feeling totally abandoned and disappointed in him. I realise that my understanding of God, who he is, what he does, is limited to my head and not in my heart. I have never really felt like I know KNOW him, not like some people say they do. I just believed what I read and was told by preachers. Now I wonder if they really believe in him like they say they do. It's so easy to trust in someone to be faithful to you when everything is fine. If the biggest worry you have is a job, or a partner etc then that's easy. I know at the time i doesn't seem like it but hey you aren't going to die hey. When the problem is He has to show up or you or someone you love dies then that's different isn't it. How many miracles do we really see? How many people are really saved from death without any medical intervention? I used to give God credit for so many things, the jobs our kids got straight after school, the job I got after not workng for 19 years, the pay I got in that job, so many things that now I just think were because we had the talent, or knew the people. So now I have no one, nothing and nowhere to go.

And Now

Sometimes I think I rush things. I'm not someone who is a sad person, I usually find the good in something, or I just walk away from the bad. But this is different. I can't find good in any of this and I can't walk away from it either. Walk to where? I don't like being miserable day after day and I don't like not having an anchor point anymore. I used to be able to describe myself fairly easily, you know I'm a mum, I like to travel, read, cook, walk, I'm a spirit filled bible believing Christian, etc etc. Now I just don't know anymore...what am I now. What was my faith based on before head knowledge of God obviously, because I don't think I would be so shaken if I knew the God, the person that he is meant to be. He just doesn't seem to be who I have always believed him to be. Alicia and I went shopping the other day and it seemed like everywhere we went there were baby things, and babies with their mum's. I just wanted to cry. I want to hold Lucas, I want to smell his baby smell and hear him laugh and see him wriggle and giggle and cry. I want to have a first Christmas with him here, and to see Paul have his first Fathers day with him. I hate the fact that this year every event we would have spent with him will be ruined, it will be sad instead of fun and no one will want to have Christmas, or Easter or any of the other days we should have been enjoying with Lucas. How do you just go through that, I don't know...do you get over this feeling in time or do you just get kind of numb and just feel less?

We went to church on Sunday, BIG mistake...BIG mistake. I felt like I was on show, people looking at us and I just wanted to melt into the floor. The songs just made me cry and I just wanted to leave. I just can't hear the words right now I can't hear all this stuff. Maybe time will make things better, I hope because right now that's what I feel is missing the most....hope! Hope that I will feel better anytime soon, hope that this will never happen again, hope that I will get answers to the questions swirling around in my mind. I need hope and I know the bible says Hope deferred makes the heart sick and truly my heart is sick.

How Can I

The days go on one after another and some are a little easier than others and some are like the first day all over again. I thought yesterday about what I am feeling about God in all of this and I think I have an answer as to why it's so hard. You see if I begin to feel like I want to go back to having a relationship with God again, well I have to accept what He let happen. How can I do that? How can I say it's ok that He didn't answer when we prayed. How can I say that it's alright that He let Lucas go. I can't do that not yet and I don't know if I ever will. I cannot say hey its ok that you let our baby grandson go, that its ok we had to watch our kids go through this. I just can't and how will that ever change.

A friend has said it's the Holy Spirit that draws us to God and I have told him if he wants me again He has to come to me. I don't have the power or the ability or even the desire to chase the Lord again. Not today and I don't know when I will. I think there is a side to God I didn't think about before. In the old testament He is a God of wrath, He wiped out entire nations, overnight whole nations, women, children, entire families gone. Not fair surely and I realise He still does that or He still allows it to happen. He isn't just a God of blessing and mercy. He is a God we should fear, we should shake thinking of His power and we should not expect that He will just shower blessings on us. Sometimes we must be like specks of dust in His eyes, He wipes His fingers across his face and we disappear. I need to get used to that concept of him.

Where to Now

So the first week has come and gone. Ashleigh, Danielle and I spent most of the day Wednesday at Alicia's. When we arrived the house looked like a disaster area. Paperwork all over the loungeroom floor, clothes in laundry baskets and suitcases in evey room. What on earth were they doing. Well Paul had decided that they needed to do a Spring clean, it's winter here by the way. So he was re organising the small bedroom they are using as a walk in robe come office, Alicia was cleaning the kitchen. So I joined in, washing clothes being my choice. It didn't take much to realise that they needed to keep busy. Well Paul did anyway. He's taken some time off from his work as an electrician, he just wants a break from things. I think the 7 weeks that he and Alicia spent in Brisbane with Lucas at the hospital has taken a bigger toll on him than we thought. We went back yesterday, Thursday this was the day of the funeral last week and I thought they might be feeling a bit low. The house was immaculate. He is a good cleaner!!! So my question now is what's next.

It's what we do isn't it, we find some way of channelling all the pain, confusion, loss, anger everything into something that either so consumes us that we are too busy to feel it, or we choose to numb it with alcohol or drugs etc. I hate to admit it, I really do but I have been drinking too much wine this past week. I have a problem when it comes to drinking and I know that the way I am dealing with this is just avoiding it by having a few wines to numb the senses. Yeah it works for the moment and then later nothing has changed. I have to change what I am doing. I am sleeping in too. For me to get out of bed at 8.30am is really late and I am doing that every day. I need to get a better grip on things.

I just want to understand what happened and why it happened.

Honey from Death

A friend spoke to me today, she told me about the story of Samson, when he killed a young lion by tearing its jaws apart. He continued on his way and later came back to eat honey from the carcass. She related it to what we are going through right now. How out of nowhere comes something to destroy us and if we kill it, get through it, survive it then at some time in the future we can go back to it, remember it,think about it, whatever and maybe there we will find honey. She said honey in the bible is like a food that strengthens, feeds, gives something sweet to us. It is the first thing that someone has said to me that makes me feel like sometime in the future I will think about this terrible time and out of it maybe I will be able to find something that is sweet. It might be bitter sweet, but somehow it will give hope, life, sweetness to someone. I hope this is true. I cannot imagine going through all this for nothing.
Baby Lucas, if I could change all this I would. I would do anything to have you back, I would do anything to change what is, to take away the pain, for us, for your parents, for your anuties. All the pain, confusion, loss, grief. I would do whatever it takes to change this. I miss you like I never thought was possible, I will love you forever think of you always, remember your smile, your eyes, your tiny cupid lips. I love you xxxxxxxxxxxx

7 Days Later

So today is exactly a week since little Lucas passed away. A week it seems so much longer. Today I got up and I wasn't so miserable I could hardly get out of bed. Today for some unknown reason, it is a little easier to breathe. I guess because Alicia and Paul are still going ok, the fear is subsiding a little. The fear that it will be too much for them to bear. Somehow today the air is a little fresher and the sky is blue again. My heart still aches, but it isn't so raw today. I found a really good blog site yesterday and after reading it, I felt that someone else knew a little of what I am feeling.
Journey Through Grief (Life After The Loss Of A Child) http://missingevan.blogspot.com/
How can we know ever what another person is going through until we haved walked where they have.
I want to be so angry at God becasue he has let me down. I want to but I am tired. And it's strange I feel a kind of drawing, a kind of pull to just get alone and wait. What would I be waiting for? I'm not sure actually, but I have an expectation in me that I willknow soon.

Breathe, just Breathe

This time last week we were on our way to Brisbane, having heard from Alicia that Lucas was off the transplant list. I can hardly believe it was just a week. The days run together. In the last week our, my life has been turned upside down. On Thursday 25th June we had the funeral for Lucas. It ws at the Chapel at Preston, that Paul's parents own. Alicia and Paul had done an amazing job organising the service. But watching Paul carry the little white coffin carrying Lucas, from the church was heart breaking. No dad should ever have to do that. NEVER!!!

And I am still waking in the morning after broken sleep with my heart aching and tears just come. Driving down the street, reading the paper, watching something so meaningless on the tele, everything right now just seems pointless. I find it hard to even smile most times. And now I feel like we have lost so many things. As a grandparent I had my own dreams and plans and ideas of the future with Lucas. I could see my husband with him going fishing, to the football, in the shed with the boys toys. For me in the garden, in the craft room, taking photos, of him and with him, cooking together, all sorts of things. With Alicia and Paul and watching them become the incredible parents I always knew they would be and will be. Being the holiday babysitters for them, complaining about it but loving it too. And then there is the loss of God in all this. Where is He, where has He been for the last 8 weeks. People have said they pray we feel His presence, His peace His love...... well we haven't and we can't and I don't know what to do to change that. I know the bible says that He will take out my heart of stone (which is what it feels like now) and He will put in a heart of flesh... Well do it. Because everyday I just feel colder inside, harder more cynical, more abandoned, more rejected. And I doubt more and more that He really does care. Alicia said it a few days before Lucas passed away, she said she still believes there is a God, but she doesn't believe He is what we have thought He was. He isn't caring, loving, kind, faithful. He does have favourites, he must have or why would some be healed and some left. I feel like I have been brainwashed into believing a lie. I have always thought of God as being like the most incredible parent. I've compared my own parenting decisions to His. And always he was kinder, more just and fair, more filled with compassion, until now. And don't tell me that He has saved Lucas from some terrible future that we can't possibly know about. What a crock, if that was the cas then why knit him together in the first place. Omnipotent I don't think so.

I've heard it all had someone say it all, my thoughts are get a reality check life is what it is and yes there is a God but don't go getting all blown out about how he will answer all your prayers, He probably won't.

And then I sit and cry because there was a time when I had hope that He would make me feel better. I used to pray for the peace to come and right now there just doesn't seem any point. I don't know how to change that. So if He wants me to find him again he will have to show me the way. Cause I am lost.

We were having lunch yesterday and a lady we know said to us, she'd asked her Pastor about healing once and he said. God does heal just not always the way we think he will. WHAT does that mean....healed is healed, here on earth walking around to tell about it. Healed is NOT healed in heaven when we are gone from here. That is dead as far as the ones left behind are concerned and lets face it it's those people who were praying for the healing not the angels in heaven. So I am so sick of the Christianease platitudes and cliches, and aI have said them myself. Reality is He doesn't always heal, he doesn't always do what his word says he will do, what else explains this.

I Just Can't Bear the Pain

Our beautiful baby grandson Lucas Adrian Middleton went to be with Jesus on the morning of the 23rd June 2009 on the day he turned 7 weeks old.

My heart broke into a million pieces and to be honest I just can't see how it will ever feel happy again. My eyes are so sore, red and scratchy. I have a headache that has hung around for 3 days now and sometimes I just can't breathe. A little bit of me, my dreams for the times I would spend with Lucas, the things we would see him grow up to do, died to.

People say a parent should never have to bury their own child, I want to add to that, that a parent should never have to watch their child lose a child. The pain is unbearable. I have scenes in my head now that I can't get out, tears, pain, sadness, disbelief, regret, doubt, fear, loss. Visions of my daughter and her wonderful husband crying on each others chests. Doubting that they did their best, apologising to each other for what I don't know. Holding on to their beautiful baby for the last time. My husband weeping like a child. My twins sobbing against the wall, unable to do anything to console their sister in her grief.

And still I ask the question of God.....Where were you in all of this? Why did you allow Lucas to come into the world for such a short time? Why did the cries of our hearts fall on deaf ears? What plans did you have for Lucas, that gave him a future and a hope? What good can come out of this? So many people have tried to comfort me saying that God will work some sort of miracle in all this, the one miracle we wanted never happened. They say we will feel Him comfort us. I can't feel anything but pain and loss and sadness. I want to say I am angry but that means I would have to be able to rise to that and I just can't. I feel like I am the guest of honour at my very own Pity Party and maybe I am. I just want something to help me walk today, to let me know that Alicia and Paul will make it through this. Not just scrape through but come out the other side well and happy. I am afraid for what will happen to Alicia. She closes off emotion, she turns inside and I can see her dying a little bit. I am so afraid for her. And now I don't even feel like I have God to ask for help. It would be a waste of my time and I can't take the rejection again. I am so scared for what will come now. And I miss my baby boy soooo much.

In the Pain

Through all this time, I have felt abandoned. Abandoned by God, where are you, I ask over and over. I have taken scripture and spoken it, prayed it begged it and still no answer. I've messaged people to pray for Lucas and for us and they have, still no answer. Today we heard that a decision will be made this afternoon about whether or not Lucas will be able to have a transplant. It's Sunday 21st June and Lucas will be 7 weeks old on Tuesday. His kidney's started to play up on Tues or Wednesday last week. He started to pass blood in his urine and it has kept up till now. This morning they stopped giving Lucas the medicine that makes him pee. They are thinking that maybe that medicine is effecting his kidneys. If his kidneys don't get better he can't have the transplant because he won't be able to have the medicine he'll need to have after the transplant. What a long and drawn out saga. Why is this even happening when we are supposed to have a God that is a healer. A God that can do miracles. A loving Father who cares for us. Well I'm sorry but I just can't see the care or love in all this. I feel like we, all of us, have been over looked. How can you tell me differently. Don't quote scriptures to me when you can't tell me how this is a good plan for Lucas, that gives him a future and a hope. How, why??

New Day, New Life

The 5th May 2009

Lucas Adrian Middleton 2.9kg is born, it's nearly 9pm and his battle has begun. Adrian & I were in Switzerland in the Lauterbrunnen Valley and Ashleigh and Danielle in Tuscanny at a cooking school, when we got the news that Lucas would probably need a liver transplant. We all cancelled the remaining days of our trips and flew home. Neonatal Hemochromatosis the words that sent us spinning. NH is very rare and the cure is a liver transplant. We started this journey totally believing that God would heal Lucas. Adrian had opened a bible in our room in Switzerland and he randomly opened in the Book Of Luke (Lucas) and the heading on the chapter was "The Boy was Healed" So we took that to a sign from God and we came home expecting to see that happen. The days dragged on and Lucas stayed pretty much the same. We kept praying and our friends prayed. We saw nothing...nothing like we expected to see. Lucas still needs a liver.